FIRST
The fear that unconditional love might be passive-aggressive is natural for we are told that we will never deserve anything good from God. First we are told he gives us all we have so we are nothing in that sense. Second we are told we are sinners so any blessing he gives us is unearned. Third we are told we cannot obligate God to do anything good for us. This love definitely suggests, “God gives you unconditional love for it is all you can expect for you are nothing. God is right to do so.”.By extension, we deserve nothing from anybody never mind God. So God belief insults you - and the person who tells you God loves you insults you.
THE ARGUMENT
You are told that God loves you completely no matter what you do. That stirs something in you. You may feel guilty that you have not thought much about him or served him. You may feel warmed by this.
You may feel empowered or disgusted with yourself. Or both.
Are those who tell you about this love really interested in empowering you? That is the central question.
If God only loves those who are reasonably good then hearing that can empower you for all you have to is change your ways.
They may say that God loves you no matter what evils you do because he wants you to be so grateful that you will change your ways.
But if you want his love and are going to get it whether you are good or bad that argument is thin. His love shines so much that your wrongs are virtually irrelevant.
It is easy for him to love unconditionally. He is supposedly creator of all
and has no physical or emotional attributes or vulnerabilities. A human who
loves another that way can suffer real hurt and violence. He cannot. His love
then is cheap. His unconditional love is a mixed blessing for humans rather than
a great thing. It is an insult to people to tell them about his love for them.
How we see his alleged love is going to be coloured by how humans love -
what other model do we have? What is the problem then? Much human love is cheap
and inconsistent or even shallow. If divine love were a great thing, we would
not let it be for we absorb human ideas of love for we are human. Divine love
cannot really be great in itself and as we project poor human love unto it, it
has no chance anyway. We outsource our poor love unto God and hope he
compensates for its failures. We want him to love others for us - we hope to
induce him to fill in the mistakes we make. That will tend to produce sloth and
indifference to others.
There is more. If love is usually understood as something that involves admiration, delight, or shared values, then unconditional love might be heard as, “You don’t meet the conditions that would normally make someone lovable.” So instead of feeling affirming, it may imply “You’re not good enough for earned love.”
Hypothetically, if the real love was not unconditional but was related to
having good traits and having some value you are declared unworthy.
The hypothetical matters. It tests if we value what we say we value.
The subliminal message is the toxic,
“You couldn’t qualify for real love, so here’s the fallback version.”
If someone believes love normally has conditions such as virtue, faithfulness,
goodness, then saying God loves without conditions will insinuate that
conditions are real, that you can’t meet them so God suspends them.
That can feel less like grace and more like pity. That is the feeling aspect but
it is pity not love.
“Unconditional love” might be heard as
“Even though you’re flawed beyond repair, God loves you anyway.” That can
mean you will never be much better. Or it can mean that right now you are
beyond repair - at this time. But it might be different next week.
Either way it is a terrible message and will discourage.
In some theological traditions God’s love is
unconditional but His approval of actions is not. However,
psychologically, people often equate love with approval and conditions with standards.
So unconditional love should be heard as
“God loves you, but not because you’re good.”
That split can feel painful and will lead to self-fulfilled prophecy - it is
destructive.
If love does not respond to growth, virtue, or effort, a person will think that
nothing they do matters. Change and development will feel insignificant.
Unconditional love applied universally may feel less intimate. A God who
loves Florence Nightingale as he does Stalin and who loves everybody in between
effectively loves nobody.
If love doesn’t react to who you are, it can feel detached - it is too abstract
and inhuman to matter much.
Think of Jesus' teaching in the sermon on the mount that God sends good
things down on the just and wicked alike. Do you really want a God who
sends more wealth and health to your malicious enemies? A God who asks you
to want him is hardly showing love to you! They would use their resources
to destroy you. The doctrine of divine unconditional love clearly panders to the
destructive. If you want to feel God loves you totally and without
conditions then consider the price. You need to throw the teaching out if
you truly respect yourself.
Unconditional love can induce and amplify shame. The message is that
though you’re that bad, God still loves you.
Instead of healing shame, this will confirm it. Suppose it only could
confirm it. Then what are you doing? It is like using a knife without caution.
If you could love the idea that God loves you without reasons or conditions,
then remember that others who can be harmed then by the notion will be
influenced by you.
What does the love mean anyway? Think of how
Thomas Aquinas described love as willing the good of the other. And
Søren Kierkegaard emphasized love as a duty grounded in divine command.
If love is understood as willing the good, then unconditional love does not
imply lack of standards — it means the commitment to your good does not depend
on your performance. Both of those backfire. If nobody likes you
enough, all the good they do for you will not satisfy you and it will harm you
deeply. Those theorists make a distinction between love and liking but
that does not reflect who we are. We want to be liked as much as loved -
and often we put being liked first. If love is understood as emotional approval, then unconditional love
will
sound like a consolation prize.
What you have you have to decide is, are the messengers of divine
unconditional love being passive aggressive or patronising underneath the hugs,
smiles and prayers? Is God the problem? He is if he sent them. If
there is no God then the problem is them not God.