Forgiveness is framed as leaving the harm done to you in the past.
This accuses you of hurting yourself if you still feel the pain.
That framing actually blames you, the victim. If that leads you to forgive, the forgiving will harm you for it is based on something toxic.
Forgiveness is framed as accepting God's call that the harm will be left in the past and healing is happening even if you do not see it.
Forgiveness is framed as a gift from God. And Jesus supposedly said that those who do not forgive will not be forgiven. Such blackmail adds insult to injury.
God belief leads to it - a God who does not readily forgive is redundant.
Forgiving is said by many to be compatible with justice. They argue that one can forgive while still punishing, because punishment is justified for reasons beyond the offense itself, such as protecting society. Yet this distinction is confusing: if the offense is pardoned, punishment becomes inconsistent with forgiveness and can resemble glorified revenge. The theory and practice of forgiveness are therefore tangled and often contradictory. And there is no reliable or definite way to know how to punish anybody. Revenge and justice are married.
From an atheistic perspective, forgiveness may be unnecessary if choice, in the absolute sense, does not exist. There is nothing truly to forgive. Holding grudges only prolongs your own suffering. A grudge is self-directed harm: it keeps the past alive in your mind and amplifies your own pain far beyond what the other person caused. Often, grudges are held against minor or distant offenses, while closer friends are forgiven for worse actions—this illustrates the irrationality of resentment.
Instead of forgiveness, we advocate
letting go. Letting go does not mean pretending the offense never happened or
excusing wrongdoing. It means releasing the desire for revenge or continued
anger and recognizing that your well-being does not depend on punishing the
wrongdoer. Understanding that people act under influences beyond their control
allows you to face life’s difficulties without being controlled by resentment.
Letting go fosters control over your reactions. It builds confidence that
you can navigate life’s challenges and still pursue happiness, regardless of
past harm. Unlike forgiveness, letting go is not about moral reward or
indulgence; it is a practical, rational approach to mental and emotional health.
You stop punishing yourself for harms done to you, and instead cultivate
understanding and self-respect.
We act responsibly toward others—not out of forgiveness, but out of reasoned compassion and a desire to support them in living decent lives. We do not condone wrongdoing, but we recognize that condemnation or hatred harms ourselves more than it harms the wrongdoer.
The core principle: the past is over, and grudges only punish you. To accept and care for yourself is the foundation for genuine affection for others. Letting go of resentment protects your mind, preserves your peace, and allows you to live a fulfilling, ethical life without falling into the pitfalls of forgiveness as conventionally understood.
I said that forgiveness is about leaving the past behind and blaming you if that does not happen. But surely moving on does that too? Yes but not to the same extent. It is still the better option. You have to move on in your own time - there is no moral imperative to do it. There is such an imperative with forgiveness. Moving on with mourning the loss you suffered seems to be the best answer. This bypasses forgiveness.