SUBJECT FOR INVESTIGATION:
The heartbeat of the universe and life is a good metaphor to base philosophy on. We propose that the "heartbeat" is not love but tension. Or paradox if you like. A paradox gives rise to tensions in our logic and psychology.
So what tension are we talking about? Love is conditional or unconditional.
Unconditional love implies I will treat you as I think best not you. It implies that if love could be earned you'd fail so unconditional love is all you can expect.
Conditional love implies you are just a project not a person. If you must earn the love then it is about how productive you are. It is not you.
Another tension arises for we are inherently doing creatures - we are inseparable from our actions. If so then unconditional love is misguided and fake.
Both loves are bad so we have to find a way to force benefits out of them for nothing is totally damaging.
This leads to tension - how real is love at all? Is it a narrative - a
useful fiction? If so then is it totally bogus or largely so or
significantly so?
REPLY:
True - love that is unconditional can become paternalistic as in “I know what’s
best for you”. Love that is conditional can become transactional - you’re
valuable if you perform.
All agree that either can deform into something harmful.
Really? Conditional is a deformed in the first place!
What of unconditional love then? If we run to it for conditional is not an
option then it becomes a default rather than something treasured for itself.
If unconditional love means that we love the other no matter what they do
that is saying, "Even if withholding love from you hypothetically could be best
for you, we will not do it." So it is not fully caring after all.
Think of the person, for example, who is deterred from suicide because others
hate him for what he says he will do.
We claim to love the other regardless of what they do is linked to permission.
Control is control. Letting a person do what they want is as much control
as letting them act within boundaries. It may be hard to see how our love
overrides their autonomy, but it does. A dog tied with a chain 50 yards
long is still controlled - just like the one chained with a 5 feet one.
Unconditional love may deny it means paternalism. It says it stands for, "Your
worth is not up for negotiation. My care does not disappear when you fail.
I don’t withdraw humanity when you disappoint me." That seems to preserve
dignity rather than overriding it.
Some say that conditional love has a good side. Trust grows when you
behavior is reliable and decent. Intimacy deepens with reliability.
We want to be loved regardless of performance. We also want to be
respected as agents - for what we do. Unconditional acceptance protects dignity.
Conditional responsiveness protects agency. Nothing is purely good or purely
bad. We make the best of two problematic things - and there is nothing
better than them.
Love itself is not the heartbeat. Maybe the attempt to balance between opposites
is.
Perhaps love without tension becomes suffocation and perhaps tension without love becomes alienation. Perhaps the paradox isn’t a flaw to solve — it’s a structure to inhabit.
GOD
Nobody has the right to tell you that another loves you. It is different if they know the person personally and got permission. Otherwise, they tell you for themselves - so they look good.
It is the same with God. Those who speak for him as if they were him or knew him personally have no business telling you he loves you unconditionally.
A person who is aware that they do not love you properly may tell you about this God as if that compensates! They may project the unconditional love they imagine they have for you unto God. God is not like a human - he has no body even! They cannot know what it means for God to love unconditionally or how he actuates it - it is just an immature feel-good.